Schizoids can have pity

Schizoid essence worlds

Am i schizoid

Contribution from Huitzlipochtli ¬ĽApril 26, 2014, 7:19 pm

Hello you,

For years I have suspected that I have a schizoid personality disorder. In my opinion, I have all or at least most of the diagnostic criteria according to ICD and DSM. So far, my assumption has been rejected by my therapists. Instead, there was a suspicion of other disorders from the therapeutic side, but these could not be confirmed (Asperger's autism: excluded because the ability to interpret facial expressions was completely within the normal range; Schizophrenia Simplex: excluded because the disorder did not occur suddenly and no delusional symptoms available). A self-insecure personality disorder is also suspected in me and sounds plausible, but for me it is not the real problem.

My suspicions from SPS remain, despite the opposite therapeutic assessment, and I fear that many previous attempts at therapy have not been particularly fruitful because the treatment did not address a possible schizoid problem. The fact that the therapeutic assessment deviates so much from mine could also be due to the fact that I did not always express myself clearly enough and because of my shyness I did not openly address all problems and idiosyncrasies.

I am aware that you can
1) shouldn't self-diagnose
2) Forums are not a place for proper diagnosis

Nevertheless, I would be interested in the extent to which people with diagnosed schizoid personality disorder can find themselves in my descriptions. If the feedback from you now comes mainly that I have no / hardly any schizoid traits, it would put my suspicions to rest for the time being. But if many of you find yourself in my descriptions, I would insist in therapy to investigate this problem more intensively.

I will simply list experiences and characteristics that remind me of a PLC (and those that spoke against a PLC from a therapeutic point of view)

I would be very happy to receive your feedback, thank you very much

So then, to me:
I am male, 26, student.

I have always perceived my mother as latently hostile. She seemed unable to feel or express pity. Instead of comforting me when I got hurt, she scolded me for being careless. I didn't feel loved, just perceived myself as a disruptive factor for my mother. She had (also explicitly stated) a great hatred of her father, and sometimes mentioned that I am similar to him. I had / have the feeling that I was hated on behalf of him.

Already in kindergarten I was told that I looked arrogant and strange. At times I did not seek much contact with other children and just kept walking down the same path in the schoolyard, lost in reveries about a fantasy world. At times I was integrated into a clique in kindergarten, but I was at the bottom of the hierarchy.

At school I was bullied a lot, had very poor performance and had to repeat a grade twice. In retrospect, the reason for this seems to be that I could not concentrate on the lesson and was always lost in thought. Even now it is difficult for me to concentrate on things that do not interest me.
In contrast, I later graduated from high school as one of the best in my year.

I had few friends at school, most of them were outsiders like me. These friendships were mostly asymmetrical, I was the weaker, inferior part.
I only ever had one friendship with one boy at a time. But looking back, I don't have the feeling that I wished for more friends at the same time (if I had one at that time). I rather have / had the desire for a single, particularly intense bond with one person.

Around the age of 16 my mother developed schizophrenia. At first I felt sorry for her, when it got too bad I consciously isolated myself emotionally from her.

I haven't felt sorry for her since then. My ability to feel pity almost doesn't seem to be there (anymore). I can't remember ever feeling pity in the past few years - and I've been to a clinic, so I've seen enough tragic fates and tears.

I have a bad relationship with my father. He indirectly gave me the feeling that he was disappointed in me because I was too "stupid" for him (his choice of words) and artistically too untalented.

At 16, I developed a strong desire to have relationships with women (but this has never been fulfilled until now).
Out of this longing, a suicide wish, which continues to this day, very quickly arose.

About 4 years ago I noticed that I no longer wish to be friends with other men and that I am no longer building emotional bonds with other men. Most of the time, I feel completely empty during conversations with other men. I have no dislike, but also not the slightest interest, in spending time with them. I am only interested in talking to other men if they are of a high standard and are very appealing to me in terms of content. But even then I think to myself that a good essay or research report would mean the same thing to me. I am really only interested in the content, never in the conversation partner himself.

In general, I am averse to small talk, I am only interested in deep conversations.

In contrast, I develop intense emotional ties with women very quickly. Mostly to attractive women my age with whom I would like to have a relationship. Sometimes, however, I also develop emotional bonds with much older women who are not interested in a partnership. For me, ties to older women are never intense, and I don't really care about them.

The loss of contact with women with whom I would like to have a relationship, however, is very painful for me and is usually accompanied by suicide desires.

I have no emotional attachment to my family, even if I have a good relationship with my brother.
When my mother passed away last year, it was completely meaningless to me. I felt no grief. I don't think I would mourn the death of any family member.

In contrast, it triggered a severe crisis that has persisted until now when a woman I like and who has only been on friendly terms with me twice broke off contact with me 2 months ago. In general, it is very difficult for me to let go of women in whom I have a partnership-based interest.

On the other hand, I don't want kisses and sex. Tried both but never felt anything. I always felt it was "profane", in contrast to light touches, it had nothing "magical" for me.

Instead, I want to cuddle women, but I have a very strong desire to do so.

Few things are fun for me. Actually only work creatively / artistically and contact with women.
In fact, outside of these activities, I experience few moments in which I am not feeling bad, in which I am not oppressed by dull pain.

I don't understand social norms, time and again others tell me that I have disregarded certain norms without knowing it.

I have always received feedback from the therapeutic side that I am emotionally expressionless. I recently decided to specifically show more facial expressions. My therapist at the time noticed a complete change from one week to the next and found me much more open. My new therapist afterwards couldn't understand why I was ever classified as "emotionally inexpressive". For me, this facial expression is artificial, it doesn't come by itself, and I perceive it as a drama.

I am repeatedly classified as arrogant, even though I have developed very low self-esteem and strong self-loathing since my high school days.

It is very difficult for me to ignore noises, and with background noise or even when having several conversations at the same time, I quickly feel overwhelmed. Even with background noise that is not a problem for others, I quickly take flight.

I consider my thinking to be more differentiated and deeper than that of most of my fellow human beings, although according to my own assessment I have an average to slightly below average intelligence. But many people also consider me gifted. I suspect, however, that this impression arises incorrectly, because I express myself linguistically precisely and in a differentiated manner, even if I think rather slowly. Didn't do an intelligence test, so I can't judge it in the end.

I rarely let feelings go into my thinking, it is very rational. I am often called a "head person".

In general, it seems to me that I have fewer feelings than other people.